Tina originally shared this story at our first VT Mommies Adult Story Time. As she read, the tears began to fall. Her tears, our tears. Her simple, beautiful story is one many of us know so well and we thought it was worth sharing again here.
I have always been an out of sight, out of mind individual. However, when I found out that I was expecting, it was a bit of a departure for me to want to savor the experience of every minute, and moment of my pregnancy. I immediately felt like I was a mother. I stopped drinking soda and coffee, kept a daily journal of everything I ate, got my 8+ hours of sleep, and read and visited every pregnancy and child birth related book and website known to man. I was proactive and timely with all of my doctor’s visits and was that annoying friend that emailed all of the ultrasound pictures to everyone, and hung it on the refrigerator for posterity. Even when I put the crib together, I cleverly placed the infant sized robe in the crib to stage it for the forthcoming life presence that would soon occupy that space. Obsessed? No! An anxious expecting mother? Yes!
And so, it came…the last week of my pregnancy. I was ravenously hungry, but because of my growing belly it felt as though my stomach was up to my chin. It was very difficult to eat an equivalent amount that I hungered for. I was in the middle of enjoying a small salad and London Broil that I waited all week to eat when my water broke.
My son was delivered 20 hours later, and in the middle of the night, he and I shared unforgettable and emotional first moments. I looked at him in amazement, the way only a mother could, amazed at his presence and his little body, and that my body had this amazing ability to construct something so beautiful, and yet so needy for me, his mother. But as much as I thought he needed me, I realized that I needed him. This was MY chance at a ‘second life’ so to speak, a new opportunity to reinvent and discover new facets of myself, and to uncover new abilities about myself yet to be known or understood. In my delirious state of fatigue, I was still able to speak the words…. “you are MY rebirth…MY salvation.” And in that moment, is when I REALLY began to feel like a mom.